conan the barbarian – 2011

calling this movie awful would be a compliment. it was not a movie. it was a bunch of bullshit that unfortunately made itself to film.

but, to be fair, conan started innocently enough. it began with conan as a child, killing these ugly neanderthals who seem to have cross bred with boars – they were only able to make bleating sounds. the carnage of beast-men appeases his father, who ends up dying because he’s a pansy. eventually conan grows up, fatherless and angry. and, he gets a sword. i was excited at this point, because i thought he would use the sword to kill himself. i was wrong.

what proceeded from there was a 1 hour mistake, not unlike the time i tried to perform surgery on myself: it was painful, messy, and resulting in a trip to the hospital. all you really need to know is that conan is an asshole, and a lot of people died.

now if you’ve read any of my other reviews, you know i’ve seen some shit movies in my day. but few have enraged me to the point that conan did. after i shut the movie off, halfway through in disgust, i deleted it from my hard drive. this, however, proved to only further inflame my rage. so i got a tool to scrub the bits even further, out of existence. i was worried, worried the film had tainted everything else on my precious computer. gotta scrub those bits.

i give this movie a 0/7. i couldn’t finish it, and i don’t know why anyone else would.