conan the barbarian – 2011

November 24, 2011 Leave a comment

calling this movie awful would be a compliment. it was not a movie. it was a bunch of bullshit that unfortunately made itself to film.

but, to be fair, conan started innocently enough. it began with conan as a child, killing these ugly neanderthals who seem to have cross bred with boars – they were only able to make bleating sounds. the carnage of beast-men appeases his father, who ends up dying because he’s a pansy. eventually conan grows up, fatherless and angry. and, he gets a sword. i was excited at this point, because i thought he would use the sword to kill himself. i was wrong.

what proceeded from there was a 1 hour mistake, not unlike the time i tried to perform surgery on myself: it was painful, messy, and resulting in a trip to the hospital. all you really need to know is that conan is an asshole, and a lot of people died.

now if you’ve read any of my other reviews, you know i’ve seen some shit movies in my day. but few have enraged me to the point that conan did. after i shut the movie off, halfway through in disgust, i deleted it from my hard drive. this, however, proved to only further inflame my rage. so i got a tool to scrub the bits even further, out of existence. i was worried, worried the film had tainted everything else on my precious computer. gotta scrub those bits.

i give this movie a 0/7. i couldn’t finish it, and i don’t know why anyone else would.

Categories: movie reviews Tags: , , , ,

up up down down – future worlds

October 13, 2010 Leave a comment

i’m sorry to say, but this really happened. it was a sad day, and i lament the fact that i have to re-live it everyday when i see this comic.

my only question is: where do the kids go now? maybe they go to bars and get drunk. this is what you’ve done, civilization, you’ve made kids drink. if only you could leave the arcades of my past open, then we wouldn’t be having this conversation.

up up down down – electronic cage

October 6, 2010 Leave a comment

well i use both iphone and android, i won’t lie. i also really enjoy watching the flame wars play out on the various forums, where people love the platforms as if they were a significant other.

related to this is a comment on apple’s store’s walled garden: electronic cage. you should read it, if only to chortle at the correctness.

up up down down – initial d: kart technique

September 29, 2010 Leave a comment

The comic is an homage to Initial D much like Peter Jackson’s King Kong was an homage to King Kong. Maybe you don’t like homage or thinly veiled bestiality. But in my mind there are two types of people in this world, those who love drifto, and those that don’t know it exists.

i love initial d. and as such, i love this comic. i would say more, but really, you should just read the awesomeness.

up up down down – real wind

September 22, 2010 Leave a comment

i can’t really say it better than it was said:

These days, good just isn’t good enough, and if you want to create hype and ensure sales you’ll need the best adjectives in the English language. The best-of-the-best, without a doubt, is “magical” and mentioning it a few dozen times has recently been proven to be an effective sales strategy.

That shady fellow on the street? He’s actually quite enterprising–if you encounter him, don’t be surprised if he’s resorted to the same tactics…

i’ve met a few people selling magic on the street. unfortunately i can’t remember much after buying the magic. i think a wall opened up, and i ended up in an alley, one that possibly had quills, owls and wands.

angry birds for blackberry

September 16, 2010 Leave a comment

i really can’t help but link this, because it’s fucking awesome.

Categories: informative Tags: ,

up up down down – accio dyspraxia

September 15, 2010 Leave a comment

a new comic has emerged. you might have noticed a pattern here. it’s hidden, in a sea of data, but because i’m nice i’ll give you a hint: there’s a new comic every wednesday.

today’s comic pokes fun of my hero: harry potter. he’s so dreamy. by proxy, it also pokes at daniel radcliffe.

it’s called accio dyspraxia. it’s possible those words don’t make sense to you right now. but if you read it, they will.